Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
