my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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