He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
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i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
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Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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