i wish my penis had a tongue
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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