I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
