I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
