I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
