A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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