Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
