I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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