I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
