You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
