I'm eating all of the evidence.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
