You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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