I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
