you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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