My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
