i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
