She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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