I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
