Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
