No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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