The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
