Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
