It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
