when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
