I'm jealous of your bromance
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
