i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
