it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
