Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she woke up with a sticky ear
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
