I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
