when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
