Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
