You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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