If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
