this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
