theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
