He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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