3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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