Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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