So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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