I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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