Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
