Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
