On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
