I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
