WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
