just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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