when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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