True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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