I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
