We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
