I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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