I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
