The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
