If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
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I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
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Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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