While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
