I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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